Tech Support Girl

(That one is a winner!) Make a call without telling station the number

CUSTOMER:

does [software title] keep numbers you talk or sms with from being sent to service provider so they will not show up on detailed bill?

ME:

Thank you for your interest in our software but it cannot control what happens on the provider side, and you can’t make calls or send SMS without using their service or telling it where you want to call or send the message to, purely technically. The bill is a financial information so the service provider cannot allow the user to modify it at will and it is up to them to protect your financial privacy. So what you ask is not possible technically or legally.

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Blind or stupid?

A customer requested a code change once.
She was given the address of her account where she can do that.
She wrote then to the store saying she did not receive it.
We wrote her saying she must check SPAM-folder or settings.
Not to mention that she sees those new codes immediately at the very same account page.
At that she also wrote to us or to the store as if she was missing some e-mails, so the impression was also that she is deaf and upon asking her to confirm to the store our last reply worked for her, she then did.

The procedure is now repeated exactlty third time over from A to Z as described above.

ME:

As we have written you on more than one occasion your SPAM-filter may
interfere, for more you see your new codes immediately at the same
page in our Customer Care where you requested them two days ago:
[link to Cust Care]

In case you have visual problems, here are the copies of your last
requested code changes, we hope you won’t miss them here:
[codes]

Yeah, I swear I sent it exactly this way even though it’s not 100% nice coz there is a limit to my patience and there should be a limit to customer’s stupidity or rather its reason - mind obesity! >:-)

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Please remove the quotes form the code for me

CUSTOMER:

You send me the code ‘123456’ but I cannot enter the ” so please send me a code without it.

ME:

Do not include the quotes, it’s written underneath the code you should omit them.

CUSTOMER:

You don’t understand me, I need a code without ”, please send me one without ”

ME:

Are you bloody idiot that can’t remove the ” off the code yourself???
Well, I guess you are…

[code message edited with deleted ‘delimiters’]

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Requests for keygens

CUSTOMER:

Please send key generator software  for your softwares

ME:

ARE YOU A BLOODY IDIOT? Or did you just jump off the tree yesterday and have no idea what you’re talking about with all the software licensing and key generators stuff? Or are you just bold out of your mind asking such things of the maker and seller?

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Why don't you make software the way I like it & for free?

CUSTOMER:

[A huge list of questions about various software including “why”s this or that]
+ how does that one function?
+ this one (a bestseller for display of pictures) looks bad
+ you must make such and such kind of software
&
Give me the code for [SoftwareTitle], I have all the rest registered.

ME:

[Answers to viable questions]
+ link to user manual
+ for it to look good you must use good pictures
+ software is provided AS IS and if you don’t like something, you’re free to choose some other developer’s]
&
We don’t give codes for free and we don’t see ANY software registered to this e-mail.

CUSTOMER:

After finish the trial period , if i install that software again, i get again 14day trial period. So why anyone need to register the software?

[smaller list of additional critics of other software titles & requests for other kind software]

ME:

Our software free downloads are 15 days fully functional free trials.
They are granted on Shareware terms, try-before-you buy basis.

If you don’t know what means shareware, you can learn so here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shareware

Your use of our software past 15 days trial is illegal.
Because this product of our work is not offered for free.
Legally free software of ours are only ScreenSnap and BestTorch.

And in surplus you have CLAIMS to us?
Support time also costs money. Good bye mister “why don’t you make software the way I want it?”

We only have the software that you can see at our website.
This software functions only as described in user manual.
And the software is provided AS IS.
We do not have any obligations in front of you, especially using our software illegally.
Support service does not either have to answer “why” questions.
And Symbian or especially non-Symbian OS functioning questions are not in our competence at all.
If you just need to talk to someone about general unhappiness with any kind of software, you better go to some software users forum or hire a therapist.

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I am an idiot, help me please!

CUSTOMER:

I have a wrong code. I entered wrong [HardwareID], so I requested a change but the code is wrong anyway. Help me please.

ME:

[standard instructions allowing to solve 100% wrong code errors - and the reason always is on user’s end the way those codes work]

CUSTOMER:

My HardwareID is [HardwareID].

ME:

This is the same HardwareID you are registered with
The code for it is: [code]
And you must enter your e-mail [email]

If it doesn’t work follow Instructions given earlier and report on each point.
Those instructions actually allow to solve 100% of wrong code cases!
You asked for help, we give it as instructions.

We can’t do it for you, you must do it yourself.
There is nothing complicated.

If you don’t understand something in them, you can ask us, but we must warn you that it’s end of day Friday, we will not be able to reply you again until Monday. This was your choice to not use our instructions at once. We can send it to you one by one if you want, one item per day? Ask you each time if you did what we told you to solve the problem? Fine, we can do that. Or you can do a little effort and checkthose simple instructions one by one. We will even dumb it down more:
[repeating instructions simplified initially for non-English speakers]

The code IS correct for the given HardwareID and e-mail, if you downloaded the software at the indicated location and turned off the predictive text in settings as instructed.

If you are unable to find a mistake we expect a screenshot from you as instructed at the end of our previous e-mail to you.

Baby-sit me

CUSTOMER:

Your software does not start recording while another software is recording.

ME:

[This is kinda natural]. Only one software can use the system recording engine at a time. What exactly do you suggest?

CUSTOMER:

At the very least your software could warn about not being able to record, and at the best it should ask and be able to terminate the other recording software.

ME:

Don’t you want it to sing you lullabies as well? >:-)

Thank you, we have forwarded your suggestion to our developers.

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What is your name? - Whatsyours. - Mine is Woodpecker. And yours?

CUSOMER:
“This number is valid for [WrongHardwareID]”
Where can I download, because there are 8 links, I don’t know which to choose.

ME:
The code is based on your [HardwareID]. You provided a wrong number.
Please provide us your 15-digit [HardwareID] as shown in the registration dialog for our application so that we can re-send you a good code.

The download depends on the language you need the software in. Choose the file with [size] in your language for the complete [software].

CUSTOMER:
Here is the number requested but it is a 8 numbers.
[the registration code from our registration letter]

ME:
The FIST line of registration dialog in our software, please. The one which is not editable. It says [HardwareID], it is the first word you see, please look carefully and send us the number following the word [HardwareID] - it will have 15 digits. The one you list is our reg.code.

Or make a screenshot of that dialog and send it to us. You can make the screenshot with help of our freeware tool [name]: [link to product page]

CUSTOMER:
Sorry I may be a bit thick but I cannot see your 16 digits number so I send you the email you sent me, may be this will help?

ME:
When you open our software on your phone it asks Try or Register. Press Register. First word: [HardwareID] We need the number following it.

Another way to see your [HardwareID] is to [press buttons intructions].

Without you sending us this number we can’t generate good code for you.
If you don’t understand something, please ask questions.

CUSTOMER:
[OrderID]

ME:
Please see attached screenshot. This is what appears when you click REGISTER upon starting our software. We need this [HardwareID] number from your device.

The number must be 15 digits. Not sixteen but fifteen!
The number must be exact for the code to be right.
So please triple-check the number copied from your device before you send it to us. Otherwise we are unable to deliver a correct code.

CUSTOMER:
Sorry but I’ve never received that number.
I sent you the invoice I’ve received, certifying I paid the amount required.
Could you ask the sale department to send that number either to you or to me.
Do not think I try to cheat you of these [money_amount], you and I have spent too much time on the computer for the value of that amount.

ME:
Please believe that the time I spent on this issue also already far exceeds the amount you paid for this software.

We are talking about YOUR [HardwareID] number WE must receive from you before we can send you a correct CODE number for our software.

I am at my wits end how else to explain you the obvious.

The code number is based on your [HardwareID] number. This protects your license.
All customers submit this number during purchase and obtain a correct code at once.
We sent you a screenshot and numerous explanations. Please do try to understand them!

CUSTOMER (second e-mail before my chance to reply):
From what I saw of your screenshot, I’m encline to believe it is a mobile screen.
If you are asking something like that i haven’t got it I didn’t connect my phone in anyway. may be you could tell me what to do, how to do it, obviouslythe sale screen has been written for professional people and I am not.

ME:

Let’s try another way around. [press buttons instructions] and send us the number that appears on your device in response to that.

After you send us this number, we can send you a correct code number.

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Forgotten passwords

Official encryption product page has a warning in bold:
Do not forget your password as there is no way to recover your file if you forget it.

Upon software first start there is a pop-up displayed:
Do not forget your password as there is no way to recover your file if you forget it.

And still, lots of people write telling “I forgot my password, please help me recover my file!”

And I have to woodpeck again:
Third time for idiots: THERE IS NO BLOODY WAY TO RECOVER YOUR BLOODY FILE IF YOU FORGOT YOUR BLOODY PASSWORD!!!

Sorry but it’s impossible to help you. As you were warned on product page and at first software use, there is no way to recover your file if you forgot your password. The software does not store the password itself anywhere for better security and verifies it only by one-way MD5 hash comparison. To recover your document you have to type the password exactly the same way as when encrypting it. There is NO other way.

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Most unsatisfied customer

CUSTOMER:

It seems I entered the wrong code for my product. The correct [HardwareID] is below

ME:

We changed your [HardwareID] and sent you the correct code.

If you have any problems with it, please follow instruction on this [support page]

CUSTOMER:

The problem has still not been fixed … I am really sure that i no longer wish to use this product … I thought it would be nice to try your application but sadly after 4 days im still without the activated version … I simply don’t have time to keep this email chase going … I also don’t have the compunction to proceed with your product… I am interested to see if a di-satisfied customer will be refunded or if you will simply prolong the email trail …

This is great for your reputation as an internet company but i don’t suppose you mind about that…

Yours most unsatisfied …

ME:

Our company does not offer satisfaction guarantee. We offer support for any problems and refunds when there is a problem from our side we cannot fix. Registration is a 100% fixable problem if a customer provides sufficient and CORRECT details, and follows the instructions provided by support. Customer stupidity is not a viable ground for refund.

So far you stated abundantly your dissatisfaction but did not provide explanation as to what exactly is the problem you encounter when trying to register, so that we would be able to be of any efficient help - we are not psychics unfortunately. Some people get it right from the first time, some from the first support request and answer, but if we must explain you that you must explain us the details what’s wrong and what you’re doing every time, of course it will be long, but not for our fault, sorry. Thank you for understanding and if you think you’re the only one whose patience is tried in this correspondence you are very wrong about it. If you can’t get such simple matter as registration right, we don’t see it as our problem and impact to OUR reputation.

You did not state what is your problem with the new code?
If that’s “wrong code” did you follow the instructions on the page?
What was the outcome?

We are not psychics and cannot help if you don’t tell us what’s the problem exactly and in details.

Update 17-06-2009:

This story had a follow-up - the next day we were contacted by our payment processing service with request to settle the dispute concerning the order of this customer. Turns out, having not received a reply to his 3 letters to us on Sunday, he then wrote to them requesting to cancel his payment because the code is wrong and the support doesn’t answer to his e-mails. This correspondence contained 2 posts of the customer, the second, sent after 3 minutes, claimed that they are also ignoring his requests while the money was taken immediately.

This wasn’t even funny, if someone does not understand that the money is taken automatically and the support might not be 24/7 and has to be rendered by humans therefore cannot be immediate in any way.

I have forwarded all our correspondence to the payment processing service saying delays of under 48 hours, incorrect input data and unwillingness to follow the instructions rendered by support are not a matter of refund under our policy, but since he addressed them directly we leave the decision to them and will appreciate an update on it. Because some idiots are easier to refund than to make them get right the things most others don’t have problems with at all.

No reply was received from either of them till now (another 2 days later).